Shades and Surprises
by Chaos Silk
Summary: A series of loosely connected ficlets centered around the Turks and their everyday lives at Shinra, mainly centered around how much trouble Reno can create with ordinary office supplies and how many headaches it creates for Tseng. Written to get back into the habit, please enjoy.
1. Shades

A/N: Ok, so wow, it's almost been half a decade since I've posted anything in the ff7 fandom, not that I ever really stopped writing in it, just not as often as I did years ago. I'm trying to get back in the habit and make the words flow again, but my writing style has changed too much to keep in line with my other ficlet series, so here we are. Brand spanking new fic, ancient fandom, tons of fun. Enjoy~.

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Prompt: Heart-Shaped Sunglasses.

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"Everything all right Boss?" Reno asked, poking his head into the door of Tseng's office, a maniacal grin firmly in place as he waited for the dark haired male to look up and see what he was wearing in the place of his goggles. Predictably, as it was late in the day and there were always at least fifty things Tseng needed to do if he wanted to finish before it started getting dark, he made a sound that could pass as a positive response, waving a hand dismissively at Reno as he continued to focus on the screen of his computer.

Not to be deterred by Tseng's lack of response, Reno sidled further into the office, still grinning like a child who was about to dump something over their sibling's head and run off laughing. "Are you suurrrreee?" He drawled, settling himself down in the chair across from his favorite target and swinging his feet up so they were perched on the very edge of the desk, hands going to cradle the back of his neck as he leaned back as far as he could without falling. It was a surefire way to get Tseng to yell at him.

As soon as the heel of his boot touched wood, Tseng's gaze snapped to him like a snake striking its prey, lips curling back to yell something at him and then he froze mid-motion when he saw what Reno had on his head. It was as if someone had hit the pause button on life. Reno could practically see the words 'Does Not Compute' floating over his head. He grinned, tilting forward so he wouldn't take a spill if Tseng decided to push his feet off the desk.

They stared at each other in complete silence for a minute, highly amused green eyes meeting confused gold ones before they flicked back up to the object innocently perched on top of his head. "Reno," Tseng said slowly as if speaking to one of the soldiers or a small child, "What is that on your head?"

"Do you like it Boss?" Reno asked, as he slowly turned his head from side to side, so Tseng could see it from all angles. Grin still firmly in place, he reached up to adjust the angle so they'd catch the light better, but he used a little more force than necessary and they ended up sliding down over his eyes. Pretending he meant to do that, he continued on: "Rude got them special down at Wall Market, we got you a pair just like them." He said, winking like he didn't have a pair of ridiculously shaped, glitter-covered pink-tinted sunglasses over his eyes.

Tseng stared at him like he had lost what little sanity he had and signed his life away to Hojo. After a moment, he sighed, one hand rising to cover his eyes as he leaned back in his chair. "Reno." He said, again slowly, but this time it was more like he couldn't comprehend instead of expecting his audience not to be able to. "Why would I ever want a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses? What would I even do with them?"

Reno shrugged in response, grinning brightly enough to power a small town. "Dunno. Rude needed to buy a new pair 'cause some asshole broke his and I saw them and thought why not, yo? So I got one, then Rude found a pair he liked and since we didn't want to leave you out we picked out something for you too." By the time he finished speaking, Tseng was looking like someone had slapped him upside the head with a fish, well not exactly because Reno had done that once –on accident, he was aiming for Zack- and that expression was subtly different, but it was in the same emotion family.

"… You don't want 'em?" He said after a beat, grin instantly falling into a pout as he tilted his head to the side. As Tseng blinked, he pulled the pair he had bought for him –it should be noted that Rude had bought him a different, normal pair and was planning on presenting them after Reno had done his bit- and waggled them in front like a dog treat. Tseng glanced through his fingers at him, expression still set on 'the air vent just started spewing glitter, my desk is on fire and my computer is possessed by demons, what do I do?' even though it had been long enough for him to start processing. "C'mon, they're really cool looking. I mean, blue glitter and you can't go wrong with hearts."

Tseng groaned and immediately hid his eyes behind his hand again. "I think you need to have a very long talk with the company therapist." He said, pausing and then adding: "Please tell me you didn't spend the company's money on this."

"Nah." Reno announced, smirking because with this, he knew he had won and that Tseng was going to go home with a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses in his pocket tonight. "We emptied that asshole's pockets after we finished our business since he broke Rude's sunglasses and all. Only fair, yo." Another groan from Tseng, this time because no matter how long and hard he lectured that the Turks were not petty thieves and if they were going to steal, they should at least aim big, Reno still insisted on taking pocket change whenever he found the opportunity.

He watched Tseng through rose tinted glasses, patiently awaiting a response as he twirled the sunglasses around on a finger. Finally Tseng lifted the hand not covering his eyes and made a 'give them here' gesture with it. Eagerly, Reno leaned forward to place them in his hand, almost falling out of his chair in the process. As soon as they were firmly in Tseng's hand, he stood up, grinning like he had just successfully pulled off a prank in Sephiroth's line of sight and didn't get caught.

"Have a nice day Boss, hope you get home before the sun rises." With that last reminder that it was the end of the month and a whole stack of paperwork needed to be done before midnight, Reno walked out of the office whistling cheerfully. As the source of a little over half of the paperwork, he should have been working right alongside him, but a miracle had happened and he had everything he needed on file and turned in early this morning. Tseng suspected he had bribed one of the secretaries, but he couldn't prove it.

Meanwhile, he had an entire folder that had disappeared off the network, Sephiroth had somehow mangled his part of the reports, and Rude's computer had burst into flames earlier because he pressed the wrong sequence in while trying to access his files. All in all, it had been a horrible month and to top it all off, he now had a pair of glittery, heart-shaped sunglasses sitting on his desk, staring at him accusingly like they were still attached to the child Reno probably took them off of.

There were only a few times in recent memory that Tseng could recall hating his life more than he did right then.

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	2. Glitter

A/N: Ok, so I have decided how I'm going to do this; base each prompt off of something mentioned in the last ficlet instead of taking prompts from my readers like I used to. This way all of the ficlets are connected, even if only loosely as opposed to being all over the place like I used to do.

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Prompt: Glitter spewing out the air vents.

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"Reno," Tseng began slowly, wiping ash and soot from his face as he glared down at the redhead. The Turk in question was sprawled across the couch in the break room, as Tseng's office was currently out of order. Rude loomed in the background, eyes hidden behind ever-present shades, but looking slightly singed himself as he gripped the empty fire extinguisher.

"Yeah Boss?" Reno said, green eyes never leaving his superior's face even as the dark haired male stalked about, looking about as ruffled as he ever did because fire didn't affect him the same way. That is, if he had even made an attempt to put it out, which he hadn't because once he had arrived on the scene he had burst into laughter. He at least made an attempt to look contrite, his head tilted downward so his eyes were shadowed and a neutral expression on his face instead of a manic grin. For him, that was contrite.

Face as clean as it was going to get without water, Tseng tossed the cloth he was using to clean his face in the general direction of the trash can –it hit Rude instead of his target, oops-, fixing Reno with a glare that could freeze boiling water. He regarded the redhead for a moment, gold eyes assessing everything from the way Reno was holding his mouth to the way he had arranged his limbs to the lack of fidgeting as he awaited Tseng's next words. He must have found something he approved of, because the corners of his lips quirked up slightly, practically a smile by Tseng's terms before twitching back into a dark scowl.

"Are you responsible for this?" He asked flatly, waving Rude off as the ding of the elevator arriving echoed the quiet hallways, announcing the –horrendously late- arrival of the cleaning crew. Reno snorted in response, tension draining from his frame as he relaxed, shifting so he was sprawled more comfortably. Rude spared them one last glance before going to escort the cleaners to where they should be and make sure they didn't touch anything they shouldn't.

One hand rising to scratch at the back of his head, Reno replied: "Which part?" His expression remained eerily blank as if he were trying to keep himself from showing something that might get him in trouble.. Tseng raised an eyebrow.

"Any of it." Tseng responded, crossing his arms and waiting.

Reno looked away, watching the cleaning crew walk by with Rude leading the way as he bit his lip. He considered the damage he had seen and tried to remember what had Tseng frothing at the mouth before Rude had pulled him out of the office just before the sprinklers kicked in. Then he weighed in the pros and cons of admitting what he had done and how much trouble he would be in for it.

"The glitter." Reno stated. Tseng blinked, looking for a moment like the ceiling had opened up and dropped a pile of beanie babies on his head.

"The what?" Tseng asked, not quite sure he had heard correctly. There hadn't been any glitter involved in that entire fiasco. His computer monitor had burst into flames for seemingly no reason and then caught the rest of his desk on fire. Thankfully everything had been backed up onto the server and the only paper on his desk was empty forms.

"After you went home last night I rigged up a fan with a timer on it and put it in the vent in your office, then dumped a bunch of glitter in front of it." Reno explained as Tseng froze. "But that's all I did, I swear. I had nothing to do with the fire and it must have gone off early or something because I meant for it to go off right about…" Cue the screaming from the cleaning crew as something exploded in the general vicinity of Tseng's office. "… now." Reno continued, wincing away from the door.

Tseng groaned, one hand rising to cover his face as he fought the impulse to slam his head against the wall until he was unconscious so he could pretend this was all a bad dream. Reno grinned sheepishly as two-three-five of the crew, clad in their little white jumpsuits liberally coated in glitter ran past the open door, screaming something about acid and Hojo's experiments. Fortunately, the elevator on this floor only opened after a certain code was typed into the terminal, so they would be stuck there until Tseng felt like rescuing them –no one took the stairs, ever-.

"Boss." Rude stated, sticking his head in the door, sunglasses askew, neon pink glitter covering his entire head. "We think one Hojo's experiments got into the vents again." Tseng groaned again, wishing he had taken Rufus's advice and stayed home today.

"No. Just Reno." Tseng finally grit out after a moment of silence, feeling both Turks' eyes on him, Reno watching with horrified glee. Rude's sunglasses finally gave it up and slid all the way off his face, revealing his widen eyes.

"What?" Rude's gaze flicked to Reno, as if to assure himself that the redhead was indeed present and grinning like a maniac, before darting back to Tseng's face. His expression might have given him away, but his voice gave away nothing.

"Nevermind. Let's clean this mess up and pray that we haven't scared off another cleaning crew." Tseng sighed as he started towards the door, pausing once he reached it to glare back at Reno, who had yet to make a motion that wasn't to make himself more comfortable. "I'm holding you responsible." He said decisively.

Reno waved him off with a grin, as if dismissing the possibility. "I told you Boss, I'm only responsible for the glitter."

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	3. The Fish Incident

A/N: Sooo it's a little early, I planned on updating once a week but I missed last week's update and my best friend wanted to see it, so here you go. Apologies for any who find it annoying.

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Prompt: Tseng getting smacked upside the face with a fish.

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"You stole these from where?" Reno asked as he eyed the crate before him with suspicion. Zack had recovered something odd from his last mission and since it wasn't a weapon or anything the company was interested in, he had been allowed to keep it. Being the nice guy that he was, he decided that the proper thing to do would be to share them with his good friends, the Turks because the rest of his friends had ran when they saw him coming. Or rather, he was sharing them with one Turk because Tseng had threatened to shoot him if he put one foot inside his office.

"Doesn't matter, what does is what are we going to do with them?" The soldier grinned, waving off Reno's concerns like he would the blows of a normal person. Reno blinked and they stared at each other in silence for a beat before redirecting their gaze to the crate's contents.

After a moment, Reno spoke. "I can't cook, can you?" Zack glanced at him, a sheepish look on his face as he shook his head. "Then what…?" Reno sighed, only to be interrupted almost immediately by Zack.

"We fight with them." The dark haired soldier proclaimed loudly, punching upwards enthusiastically as he did. Reno blinked, expression blank for a split second before he grinned widely. "I knew there was a reason I liked you." He said, grabbing a fish from the crate and, wielding it like he would his mag-rod, slashed towards Zack's face.

It didn't connect, but he didn't expect it to as Zack immediately danced away, a large scaly blue fish in his hands almost as soon as Reno moved. A world in which this went right –if a mock fight using fish as weapons could ever be right- didn't exist, instead it was just varying shades of wrong. This particular universe's fight ended like this:

Zack moved to hit Reno on the top of the head with his fish, which succeeded, making him squawk like a parrot that had its cage rattled and dazed him just long enough so that when he swung his fish thirty seconds late, aimed at where Zack had been standing before the door behind him started opening. Instead of connecting with empty air, it connected with Tseng's jaw hard enough that the thwack resounded through the suddenly quiet hallways.

Reno dropped the fish as soon as his brain registered who he had just hit as Tseng rubbed his jaw where the fish had connected, looking like he was expected to look: like someone had just hit him upside the head with a fish. Zack dropped his own fish, laughing a bit nervously as he backed away from them both.

"Um." He said with the greatest wisdom available to him. "I think I hear Sephiroth calling for me." He lied, jogging in place as he waved in Reno's general direction. "Bye!" And with that, he was off, leaving Reno staring at the space he was standing dazedly and Tseng two second away from exploding.

"Well, there goes my excuse." Reno muttered under his breath as he turned to look his doom straight in the eye, plastering a huge fake smile on his face. "Sorry about that boss, didn't see you there until it was too late." He apologized, but knew that this wasn't going to end well. If there had been a place he could escape to, he would have started backing away, but there wasn't anywhere he could go that Tseng wouldn't find him.

Tseng didn't react to the apology, still rubbing the edge of his jaw with an absolutely gob smacked look on his face. Reno slid his hands into his pocket, trying to look as apologetic as he could, but ended up looking like he was plotting the deaths of his neighbor's pets and children. There were scales on Tseng's skin that had come off the fish, clinging like water droplets. Reno prayed to whoever was listening that he got out of this without embarrassing himself or dying. He had priorities man.

"Reno." Tseng said, finally breaking the awkward silence that had fallen over them. Reno looked at him, green eyes earnest. "Did you just hit me with a fish?"

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	4. The Vent Incident

A/N: From now on, Shades and Surprises will be updating on Fridays. Most likely around midnight/1AM Friday morning because I am impatient and I am normally awake. I don't think this one is as hilarious as the others, but taking a break from humor every now and then is a good thing. Well, as long as it doesn't spontaneously develop a plotline, I hate when that happens.

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Prompt: An experiment gets loose in the vents.

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"Tseng." Rude called, sticking his head into his boss's office. Being that Rude only spoke when it was important, Tseng stopped typing mid-sentence, hands hovering over the keyboard as he looked up from the screen. Rude adjusted his sunglasses, lips curling ever so slightly downward. "There's something oozing out of the vents in the break room."

Tseng sighed, one hand rising to pinch the bridge of his nose as the other dropped to rest on the desk. "Again?" He asked, referring to the incident with the fire and the glitter, the former of which had been traced to a disgruntled employee whom had been aiming to destroy his boss's computer and got Tseng's by accident -Reno had gleefully corrected him-. He would not put it past Reno to try again after that disaster, especially since it had been connected to another which apparently negated the fact that it had happened in the redhead's mind.

Rude shook his head. "Looks like something died up there." Again went unsaid. A couple months ago one of the account managers had had the grand idea to try and get around the building unseen by using the ventilation shafts. Unfortunately for him, the building plans he had access to were deliberately doctored in case they were leaked to an enemy and he fell directly into one of the large fans instead of wherever he was headed -they still didn't have any idea where that was-. It had taken maintenance three weeks to find him, because strange liquids and smells oozing out of the vents was not unusual, especially in this part of the building. He hadn't been the first employee lost that way and he would not be the last.

"Tell Reno to check it out." Tseng ordered. Being the most agile, he had the least chance of having an accident whilst in there, he also had memorized the real layout of the ventilation shafts and could accurately divine the source. Likely because scarcely a week passed without him being sent up to investigate some random smell, sound or leak because maintenance was too lazy to do it on command without extra incentive. Providing them with said incentive was often tiring and Reno enjoyed climbing in there for some reason, so it was just easier that way.

Rude nodded and turned to walk off, pausing mid-step to glance meaningfully over his shoulder. "I'll supervise." Tseng agreed, wishing his dignity would allow him to rest his head on his desk. Rude nodded again and walked off. Tseng saved what he was working on, switched off his computer and navigated his way to the break room, where, not surprisingly, Reno was already waiting for him. The redhead grinned at him when he approached.

"Something bleedin' in the vents, boss. Thought I would check it out." He drawled, motioning to where a greenish-red ooze was dribbling from the vent opening. For his own sanity, Tseng had ordered Reno not to go into the ventilation shafts unless it was absolutely necessary and to be in constant contact with another Turk the entire time just in case of an accident. At the time, it had seemed like a wise decision, and while he didn't regret it, he wished the job of supervising him didn't fall to him eighty-percent of the time.

"Let's just get on with it." Tseng grumbled as Reno smirked, pulling a screwdriver out of his pocket as he climbed on to the table to reach the vent, uncaring of how dangerous that was. He watched with a kind of detached fascination as Reno carefully unscrewed each screw from the vent cover, only to jump back, nearly slipping off the table's edge as it and something that would feature in Tseng's future nightmares fell out with a resounding splat as soon as he finished with the last screw.

For a moment, there was silence as they both stared at the creature. In the distant past it had probably been a rat, but now it was a fur less tangle of body and slimy tentacles. It was sluggishly bleeding from what appeared to be bite marks. Reno looked at him, Tseng stared back.

"Boss." Reno said tentatively, eying the open vent like he expected something to come flying out and attack him. "I think I hear something skittering."

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	5. Elevator Ride

A/N: Getting trapped in an elevator with a bunch of people is a private fear of mine, that's why I always take the stairs. I also found an old, I'm talking written '04-'05, fic in my writing folder titled The Elevator. Apparently it was supposed to be an epic Rude/Reeve fic revolving around them meeting in the elevator at the same time every day and having it grow from there. It sounds like it has promise, but really it's just hilarious... This fic is not related to that fic, I'm just babbling because I found it to be a strange coincidence that I would find it while writing this one.

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Prompt: A situation with the elevator

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The elevator doors before Tseng slid open with a ding, revealing the nervous employees gathered within. Non one stepped out, exchanging wide-eyed looks between themselves as he stepped in. "Welcome to hell!" A familiar muffled voice greeted from somewhere in the back of the throng, ringing out just as the doors closed.

Tseng glanced at the panel, saw that his destination was already lit up along with the small light beside it indicating that a keycard had been swiped and approved, then immediately glared in the direction of the voice. Past the group of secretaries whom were quietly gossiping among themselves while the woman from the security team was not so subtly listening in just a foot away, past the group of average salary workers from the lower floors awkwardly grouped near the center, he could see just the barest hint of red between the press of bodies. He could also see Zack, standing in full view right next to the person with red hair, a grin on his face and a box in his arms.

"Aren't you supposed to be working?" Tseng demanded, taking advantage of the pathway to the back to stand next to Zack and the not-so-mysterious redhead. As he moved, he was revealed to be none other than Reno, smirking like he knew something his superior didn't. Surprise, surprise.

Or rather, not a surprise. Reno was the only one it could have been; judging from the combination of the snark and red hair. The suit had also been a dead give-away, from what little he had been able to see at the front of the room.

"Haven't got there yet, elevator malfunctioned." Reno explained as Tseng turned and leaned against the wall as they finally started moving -down, not up-. He nodded at Zack -who just grinned, practically bouncing on his feet-, and then stared incredulously at Reno, raising an eyebrow.

Last he checked, he was on the elevator with him, last he checked the elevator was still working. Last he checked, Reno was going to have his pay docked and be assigned the mission he was saving for one of the trainees for exaggerating and spending company time riding the elevators like an amusement park ride. Again.

Reno's smirk didn't waver, remaining smug and firmly in place. "You'll see." He said, as the doors opened to reveal nothing. Once again no one got out and obviously no one got in, Tseng scanned the room as they awkwardly shifted, waiting. The doors closed, they moved. Silence for two floors. Then Zack finally spoke up.

"We've been bouncing around like this all morning." Tseng looked at him, expressionless as only a Turk in a room full of civilians can be -which is to say he looked like he was about to bite someone's head off-. Zack stared back, cheerful as he ever was, even though that box had to be heavy and it was probably starting to hurt carrying it by now.

If his arms hadn't been full, he probably would have one hand resting on the back of his neck as he talked. "It's been ignoring the button-thing and just opening the doors randomly. Before you got on, it opened on the ninth floor and then went allllll the way up to where you were without stopping." Tseng had been on the thirty-seventh and a glance at the console showed at least three floors had been selected between then and there. If he was telling the truth, and he probably was because when he lied, it was too easy to tell, that meant that Tseng's day had probably just gotten a lot worse.

Reno shifted, sticking his hand out so Tseng could see the screen of his PHS. "Rude's on the other one. He says it's been doing the same thing. We think it's because of those..." He paused, glancing around as if he were about to say something without everyone hearing, as if they weren't listening in anyway, waving a hand to indicate to roof. "_...things _that got loose last week, but we don't know for sure because maintenance won't answer my calls."

Tseng sighed, rolling his eyes skyward as he pulled out his own PHS and pulled up the number. There was a very good reason why, Reno had pulled one of his typical stunts that had ended with a third of maintenance quitting afterward. Tseng was surprised that they were still speaking to _him _after that fiasco.

He opened his mouth to ask why neither of them had gotten off, but then realized the answer himself. None of them wanted to run up a 20+ story flight of stairs, that was why they had taken the elevator in the first place. Granted, if Zack had taken the stairs he probably would have gotten there before the elevator could and Reno could do it, they were both on the elevator because they didn't feel like exerting themselves. Tseng would have felt superior, but his reason for taking the elevator was because the stairs were inconveniently placed and it took longer to navigate from them than to simply take the elevator.

"You know, I think I saw a horror movie that went like this once." Reno started to say. Tseng blanked him out as the PHS rang once and then immediately went to a recording that basically boiled down to: we are aware the elevators aren't working, we are doing everything we can, even if we weren't you can't reach us because you're fat, lazy assholes. It ended with screaming, Tseng decided it was probably better not to share that part.

"... and then, as he was dying, he realized that the old woman who they thought was dead because she hung herself was really the devil and had been watching them the entire time." As Tseng turned his attention back to Reno and Zack, he caught the tail end of Reno's story and had to regard his fellow Turk with a look like he was questioning the other's sanity. Reno grinned and Zack looked a little pale which was another point to the benefits of not listening to Reno, but unfortunately the pros outweighed the cons; such as knowing what Reno was planning to do before hand. A glance around showed that the other passengers were in similar states, eying each other -specifically Reno- like they expected them to pull out a knife and start a murder spree.

"Reno." Tseng began slowly, noticing that suddenly they all had a lot of space. "One day we are going to have a very long talk about what is an appropriate story to tell when trapped with a bunch of people in an elevator. Let me give you a hint: it isn't the one about a murder-" "Murders." Reno interrupted, wiggling a finger at him as he continued:"-in a similar situation." Tseng finished, glaring.

Reno seemed to mull it over for a bit, Tseng knew better than to think his words had any affect without a punishment accompanying it. "What about the one about the immortal serial killer clown and the funhouse dimension?" He asked after a moment, taking some eerie delight in this. Tseng stared at him and he wasn't alone.

"What?" Tseng said eloquently. Reno grinned. "You have to hear it boss, it's hilarious." Tseng continued to stare. Reno took this as a sign that it not only was appropriate, it would have the most effect if he told it right now. In an elevator full of impressionable people who couldn't escape him.

Tseng wondered how many of them would have nightmares then wondered if this was going to become a personal nightmare. If there ever was a time to regret swapping out his Silence materia with Curaga... Zack groaned, finally dropping the box as he crouched on the floor and covered his ears.

"No." Tseng said, reaching over Zack to cover the redhead's mouth as he started detailing how many people the clown had killed and in what ways. Normally he wouldn't bother, but then normally it was in front of a suspect and therefore set them on edge, not a room full of civilians who might not be innocent, but if they started screaming he didn't want to deal with it. "Not clowns, not murder, not today. Understand? "

Before Reno could say another word he elevator doors dinged again, opening onto floor 42, as one, the secretaries cheered and raced out the doors as the other occupants -aside from Tseng, Reno and Zack- started clapping. The doors slid shut again, Reno nodded and Tseng removed his hand and promised himself that Reno would have a stack of paperwork as wide and as tall as Palmer to finish when they finally got there.

People were still going to die, but it'd be a happy ending for him. Especially since Reno was already sulking like Tseng had appropriated his office-supply army.

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The movies Reno was talking about actually exist. Well, the first one does, I might have mashed two-three different ones together for the last one.

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	6. Flying Grapefruit

A/N: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays~! I hope everyone had a good one.

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Prompt: Flying grapefruit

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Tseng's first clue that Reno was involved in something outside of the ordinary was the fact that the redhead was in his office and yet, not a sound was to be heard throughout the entire floor. Reno was never quiet, even when out on a stakeout that required the most absolute discretion. He talked to himself, sang, fidgeted. In fact if Reno was present, he could normally be heard throughout the entirety of the mostly empty floor.

Not being able to hear him meant that Tseng had a dilemma before him; would he go check on him and presumably find him doing something potentially dangerous/destructive/illegal or some combination of the three or would he wait for the screams and explosions to start? If he had a choice, it would be the latter because getting involved in Reno's shenanigans gave him a headache and an urge to commit homicide. However, he had finished his paperwork and he couldn't knowingly allow Reno's antics to potentially harm company property, so he stood and went to find him.

Reno's office was, predictably, empty, though his computer was turned on with a blank document open on the screen, the cursor flashing, waiting for something to be typed into it. Tseng ignored it in favor of trying to find where his wayward maniac had wandered off to. A good thing too, because Reno had rigged it to start flashing and counting down from ten if the right passcode wasn't put in, and then wipe itself if it wasn't righted within a certain time limit. For a Turk, that was practically trusting.

He checked the breakroom next and walked in just in time to see a reddish-orange spherical object go flying across the room and splatter against the wall, missing his head by mere inches. It exploded into pink bits, sliding down the wall . To his credit, Zack looked apologetic and sheepish, Reno on the other hand...

"At least it didn't hit you this time." Reno stated with a grin, as if he wasn't indirectly responsible for the sticky mess next to Tseng's shoe. As predicted, he was doing something that made Tseng regret looking for him, but at least it wasn't something that would cause any permanent injuries. Physically, at least, mentally is another matter.

"Fortunately for you." Tseng responded, crossing his arms and fixing both troublemakers with a glare. "Should I even bother to ask why you two are throwing fruit at my walls?"

"Technically, Boss, they're Rufus's walls." Reno pointed out before he could stop himself, eyes widening a bit at the edges. He smirked wider, trying to cover up his slip as Tseng regarded him with an unimpressed look.

"And we're not throwing it, it's flying." Zack chimed in before Tseng could snark back at his subordinate. Feeling something he had only ever felt in Reno's presence, Tseng's thought process came to a screeching halt. He gaped at Zack for all of a split second before he regained his composure, unfortunately he wasn't quick enough to cover for it because both Reno and Zack grinned, on the offensive.

"What?" Tseng demanded, feeling like there should be a lot more questions and exclamation marks there. He knew it. Today was going to be one of those days he wished he had stayed in bed or had bashed his head against his desk/the wall/whichever hard surface was nearer until he was unconscious. Surely he didn't deserve to put up with this.

Zack and Reno exchanged looks, then looked at him. "It's something we... liberated from the weapons division. A new materia that makes things float." Reno explained, looking proud of himself. "I wanted to try it out on something else, but Zack insisted that we test it out on grapefruit."

Tseng blinked again, looking at the soldier. "I know I'm going to regret this." He said, shaking his head as if to clear away the thought. "But why grapefruit?" Zack grinned, taking a dramatically heroic pose.

"Because they're most suited for flying, don't you think?" Both Reno and Tseng eyed him as though they expected him to start sparkling at any moment, then glanced at each other. Reno shrugged, body language saying that he didn't get it either, he just wanted to cause some chaos by launching things at other things -and people-.

"Sephiroth should keep a closer eye on you." Tseng said after a moment of silence. Zack laughed.

"He says the same thing about you and Reno."

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	7. Playing War (With Office Supplies)

A/N: Happy New Year! Let's hope the new one is better than the last, or, failing that, just as good.

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Prompt: Office Supply Army.

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Despite what Tseng wanted to claim, it didn't happen all at once. At first there was a paperclip or two here and there with googly eyes, but he had passed that off as Reno trying to dredge up memories of a certain outdated program that had finally been phased out -much to Tseng's approval-. Then it migrated to writing implements, which admittedly had taken him a while to notice because he didn't use them as much. Again, once he discovered it, he passed it off as one of Reno's many quirks. It amused Rufus and for some reason, most of the people he dealt with found the eyes unnerving, especially once someone started spreading the rumor that there were cameras in them, so he ignored it and allowed it to continue.

However, once the eyes started appearing on other things; the staplers, the coffee mugs, binders and, on one memorable incident, their floor's printer, he decided it was time to intervene. After interrogating Rude, he narrowed down Reno's base of operations down to one specific area on one specific floor. It was only a guess, but fortunately it was the correct one.

No one dared approach him as he stalked down the hall towards the redhead's hideout, shoulders thrown back and a snarl on his face. If he had caught a glance of himself in the mirror, he would have understood why. Upon reaching the door, he kicked it open, not even bothering with the doorknob, mouth opening to start on the tirade he had prepared on the way down. Then he froze, mouth hanging open as he took in the scene before him.

Reno was seated on the floor on one side of the room, an array of googly-eyed office supplies laid out before him, some adorned with pipecleaner and/or yarn in place of hair. Sephiroth was seated on the other side, similarly sprawled. Both were in the process of doing … something with their respective office supplies (Game Pieces?), a paperclip in Reno's hand and a stapler in the General's.

Whatever Tseng had been expecting, it had not been this. In fact, if he had been expecting anything other than Reno being a general pain in his ass, Sephiroth being involved would have been right up there with Reeve or Rufus participating in his antics. As in something that could happen, but was about as likely as Reno accidentally shooting himself in the foot.

It was silent for a few moments, Tseng closing his mouth and staring openly, gaze flicking from his subordinate to Sephiroth and back again. Reno grinned, not ashamed in the slightest of this, whatever it was, placing his paperclip down with a flourish. Sephiroth was frozen in a state similar to Tseng's, eying the Turk Leader like he was something out of a nightmare.

"This isn't what it looks like." Sephiroth insisted after a moment, setting the stapler down on his knee and glaring at Tseng before looking away. If he hadn't been sitting on the floor playing -there was no other word for it- with Reno and a bunch of stolen office supplies, Tseng probably would have believed him. Or at the very least, walked away as quickly as possible, but since Reno was involved and it was starting to garner attention from the other departments...

"I'm not sure what this looks like." Tseng blurted out before he was even aware of what he was doing. Reno snorted, grinning like the cat who ate the canary and then convinced his owner he deserved wet food. The General stared at him, eyes wide because he knew he wasn't going to like the next words

"It's exactly what it looks like: we're playing war." Reno announced cheerfully, moving the pencil decorated with ribbons and jingle bells, of all things forward. Sephiroth was still refusing to meet anyone's eyes. Tseng blinked.

He found himself doing that a lot around Reno lately, and quite frankly, it was getting to be annoying. Feeling as though he had witnessed something that should never be seen, Tseng sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't care and I am _not _going to tell anyone." He aimed the last part specifically in Sephiroth's direction. "Just stop sticking those weird eyes on things."

With that, he left the room and tried not to think too hardly about the consequences of Sephiroth associating with Reno and vice versa. And there would be consequences. Whether they were immediate or not.

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	8. Aftermath

A/N: Let's just pretend I got this up on time, shall we? I'm kind of having a bad week. This week's ficlet is based on a scenario I mentioned to my best friend after she read last week's. It amused me, so here it is.

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Prompt: Office Supply Army (Side B)

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It was only by chance that Tseng happened to be walking past as Zack was confronted by his fellow soldiers. Normally it happened at least once or twice a month, but lately something had them all up in arms and it had almost become a weekly, if not daily, event. The grapevine hadn't elaborated on exactly what Zack had done, or was doing, so Tseng slowed down to listen, pretending to be distracted with something on his PHS.

"We know it's you Fair." One of the second classes said. He was a lanky brunet with a permanent scowl, his name on the tip of Tseng's tongue, but still evading him. Zack huffed, cornered, but still willing to fight.

"It's not me." Zack declared, crossing his arms and glaring at the group. It was the first time that Tseng had ever seen Zack scowl and not be in battle. Deciding it was loud enough that he could stare without being seen as nosy, Tseng looked over.

"Who else would put stupid looking eyes on things we all use and get away with it?" That same brunet demanded, shaking a fist in Zack's direction. To his credit, Tseng did not choke, huff or sputter, instead he calmly closed his phs and debated on getting involved. After all, he knew who really was responsible -even if that person would probably attempt to kill him if he told- and Zack taking the blame did not seem fair.

Then again, Zack could take care of himself and it was nice not to be the interrogating party for once, just an uninvolved bystander. He seemed to be seriously considering the accusation, arms crossed and a frown on his face. Finally he shook his head, stretching his arms up high. "I don't know." He said, expression returning to one of baffled amusement. "Sephiroth?"

This time, Tseng did choke, nearly spitting out air as he tried to stifle laughter. They turned to him, Zack still regarding the world with bafflement whereas his fellow soldiers ranged from confused to annoyed. The brunet who had been acting as their mouthpiece stepped forward, scowl still firmly in place. "You got a problem, Turk?"

Tseng composed himself. "No, no. I just find the thought of Sephiroth sticking eyes on inanimate objects to be amusing." Even more so because it was true, he had accidentally witnessed it himself after his first confrontation with the two. "Especially since Reno's been doing the same thing lately."

They stared at him like he had said that the world was flat. It wasn't exactly giving the game away, because no one would ever believe that Sephiroth was in league with Reno; though the redhead had proven willing enough to give him up if they were caught. Zack grinned.

"See? I told you it wasn't me. Reno must be doing it." He announced, nodding as it suddenly all made sense. Tseng regarded him like he would a bug, one eyebrow raising. Zack started to do a victory dance.

"And who is usually Reno's partner in crime?" Tseng asked, without missing a beat, Zack responded: "I am." He paused as the trio of second classes accusing him turned to him as one, a triumphant look on their faces. "Craaapppp."

Tseng smiled and walked away, knowing that at least Sephiroth couldn't hold him responsible for revealing his secret. He could, however, hold him responsible for Zack being lynched in the hallways. An acceptable loss, and it was bound to happen sometime, considering how many times he had been directly and indirectly responsible for assaulting Tseng with fruit and fish.

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	9. Expense Report

A/N: The reason this one is late is also the reason why it is written. Also further delayed because my mother took me out for lunch.

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Prompt: Expense Reports.

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If there was one day a month Tseng both dreaded and looked forward to, it was the day he went over expense reports and determined whether or not it was coming out of the budget or the offending party's pay. Sometimes these reports were enlightening, serving as an explanation as to how certain things Reno was responsible for happened -the water cooler exploding, Rude spending an entire week with bright pink skin, the one day he walked into his office and everything had been bolted to the ceiling-, because if he thought he could get away with it, Reno charged it to the company; to make matters worse, Rude had also picked up this habit-. At other times it left only more questions and a headache.

Either way, it was just easier to have them both on hand whenever he did this, because sometimes the 'why' was more important to the 'how'. And it was sometimes hard to tell if Reno had bought something because he wanted to make Tseng's head explode or if he had a legitimate reason for it. At least 8 times out of 10 it was the latter, though at least of half of those reasons might have been made up on the spot.

No one could ever say Reno wasn't resourceful when he chose to be. Granted, some of his explanations might be a little out there. However, as long as they were plausible, it wasn't Tseng's problem.

Sometimes though, Reno really pushed it. Case in point: "Reno, what in the name of Ramuh's beard did you need fifty pounds of decorative marbles for?" To his credit, Tseng didn't shout, instead using the voice and tone normally reserved for one of the redhead's more spectacular 'accidents'. Even Rude raised an eyebrow at that, obviously side-eying his partner.

Reno just grinned, perfectly relaxed as if he wasn't responsible for buying something so ridiculous. "Can you think of a better way to make someone fall down the stairs and still look like an accident?" Rude adjusted his sunglasses so he was peering over the tops of them, looking about as bemused as Tseng felt.

"I think dumping out an entire bag of marbles at the top of the stairs does not look like an accident." Tseng said slowly, wondering what was worse: the thought that Reno might have actually done it or that he hadn't heard about it if he had. Rude shook his head and Reno snorted.

"Come on Boss, you know me better than that." Reno was still grinning widely, like he had a plan that was about to explode in everyone's faces. Part of Tseng wished he wasn't familiar enough with Reno's maniacal grins to decipher exactly which one it was, but the other part, the part in charge of damage control was relieved that this was only a 'I've thought of something you haven't' as opposed to literally exploding.

"You know how things are, kids leave their toys lying around, stuff gets knocked out of the vases and potted plants. No one notices a couple of marbles lying around until it's too late and suddenly some asshole is lying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck. No one's fault, yeah? Could've happened to anyone." Reno explained with a grin, waving one hand around.

"And the fact that the marbles are red and glittery each time?" Tseng sighed, one hand rising to cover his eyes. Because of this he missed Reno's grin widening.

"Have to leave something for the conspiracy theorists, yo."

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	10. Pink

A/N: So, if my word count is correct, this fic should be at or over 10,000 words. Hooray. Also, all credit -except for the actual writing part- to this goes to my good friend Mandi, known to you as DarkHybridChild. Posted early because I'm going to the gym with my boyfriend tomorrow and last time I did that I ended up hurting for three days afterward.

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Prompt: Rude turns pink.

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Like most things where Reno was concerned, the incident started off small, then escalated so quickly that it was lucky that no one else was affected. Rude probably didn't feel very lucky though, considering it lasted for a week. Tseng, however, just thanked whoever was listening that he didn't have to explain to President Shinra why all of his Turks were bright pink and incapable of stealth missions.

It started with a tiny bit of costume jewelry, presumably bought at the same shop as the heart shades. When Rude went to hand in his report one day, it was on his finger; bright pink and innocent, like something out of a little girl's toy box. Tseng had commented on it, he couldn't remember exactly what he had said, and Rude had stared at it, just as baffled by it as he was.

They both chalked it up to Reno and nothing more was said about it. The ring was hidden in the deepest, darkest parts of Rude's desk, because if given back, he'd just be wearing it again with no idea how it got there. Tseng thought it was the last of it.

He was wrong. The very next day Rude showed up with his normal sunglasses swapped out for the heart-shaped ones Reno had been wearing a month ago, still bright pink, still no idea how Reno had done it. Tseng had laughed, Rude had looked pained -all of his replacement pairs had mysteriously gone missing-, and life went on.

Then Rude's tie was replaced with a pink one that would make Lisa Frank envious. A pattern was starting to form, but it was forgotten in favor of dealing with the flooding on one of the lower floors. Neither Turk nor Soldier was involved, but both had to prove their innocence first, especially after the last incident was proven to be on both of their heads -specifically, Rude and Sephiroth's, the story behind it had yet to come out-. This was, however, the first indication that something else was at play, because Rude's tie had been a normal black on the elevator and his only contact with Reno was passing by his office.

Next was Rude's shirt, and since Reno couldn't get that off and on without being noticed or sedating Rude first, Tseng was forced to start paying attention. Rude bore it all with the same patience he always did, which meant that as soon as Tseng was out of sight, he punched Reno in the head hard enough to knock him out for the rest of the day. Normally there would have been some sort of reprimand coming from Tseng for that, but since the Turk Leader didn't want to deal with it, he pretended ignorance and was grateful for the quiet.

Life went on, only to be horrified when Rude walked in the next morning, every visible bit of skin dyed the same brilliant pink as his shirt was the day before and his tie the day before that. Reno was not to be found, as it was his day off. Tseng wished he had taken a picture of the look on Rude's face because it was absolutely priceless -and for one blinding moment, he realized exactly why Reno did it, and then the headache struck-. There weren't enough words for Rude to express what he was feeling, fortunately there were enough chairs and a lovely new addition to the rec room's wall, an imprint of Rude's fist.

With destruction of personal property and interfering with another employee -Tseng wasn't sure what turning another Turk pink would be classified as, but he was certain he would know by the end of the day-, he had no choice. He had to do something about Reno.

He was certain that this would end just as the last few times Reno had acted out had; lots of questions, no answers and no resolution aside from a ton of extra paperwork and possibly a broken bone or three, all on Reno's part. If all else failed, Tseng would make him write lines out like a misbehaving schoolboy, which was fitting because he was acting like one. After he figured out what was going through his head when he decided to turn his partner pink.

The next day found Reno sticking his head into Tseng's office, incorrigible grin firmly in place. "You called for me Boss?" He said as if he had no idea why Tseng would want to talk to him. If Tseng didn't know better -unfortunately he didn't, they were assuming Reno was the culprit based on his gloating-, he would think that Reno really didn't know what was wrong.

"Sit down Reno." Tseng sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and indicating the chair in front of his desk. Reno did as asked, still grinning like a loon. There wasn't the slightest hint of confusion in his actions, though Tseng was sure he'd like him to believe there was.

"Somethin' wrong?" Reno asked as he took a seat, cocking his head to one side in the universal sign for confusion as he regarded Tseng with amused green eyes.

"Reno." Tseng said slowly, lowering his head so he was resting it on his hands, elbows on his desk. Reno blinked, not that Tseng could see it.

"Yeah boss?" He asked, eying Tseng warily. Flicking his red ponytail over his shoulder, he slouched in the chair, one eyebrow raised.

"Reno." Tseng repeated, pressing the heel of one hand into his forehead before straightening and fixing the redhead. Reno blinked again, tilting his head in other direction now. "Why?"

Any other time and Reno would have asked 'Why what', but something about the way Tseng was acting told him that it wasn't wise to push. Tseng's tone also clued him in, if anyone could threaten to rip off someone's face and then rub it in lemon juice and salt, it was Tseng. He would do it too, if pressed.

Reno shrugged in response, looking a bit apologetic, which for him meant his expression was neutral and serious. "Felt like it." He admitted, assuming that Tseng was talking about the thing with Rude. Really, it wasn't a big deal or anything, if it was, there would have been a bigger fuss kicked up when he started messing with him.

Tseng stared at him like he had lost his mind. Reno stared back, calmly and evenly, with only the slightest curve of his lips. "How?" Tseng sighed, resigned to never get a good answer as to why Reno did anything. If he ever did, he might faint.

"First I used the Steal materia I 'borrowed' from Zack, which works in reverse by the way." Reno explained, actually bothering to use finger quotes when he said the word 'borrowed' so Tseng knew exactly what he meant. He thought there was a bit of irony in stealing the steal materia, but he'd never say it out loud. "And then," he continued, "I was asked to test this new materia by a mysterious stranger I met on the street. All it does is turn people and things different colors." He might have tested it on several people to be absolutely sure, Rude was just the only one Tseng knew about.

Tseng continued to stare at him, but before he could open his mouth to ask what he wanted from him, he spoke: "Didn't your mother tell you not to take candy from strangers?" In another situation, Tseng might have been amused. He was even starting to see the humor in this, because the only things that had been hurt were things that could be replaced.

"Yeah, but she didn't say nothing about materia." Reno quipped back, without missing a beat. He grinned, breaking the odd seriousness he's had for the last few minutes. For a moment there, he thought he might have really been in trouble. The kind that makes a person disappear for years without so much as a note.

"Please tell me it wears off." Tseng said, giving him a look that promised pain and being assigned to guard Hojo for a month if it didn't. Reno thought about it for a moment and then shrugged.

"It might. It might not. Sephiroth might kill me if it doesn't." He said, grinning at the memory. Sephiroth had actually been the first person he had tested it out on, reasoning that nothing he was capable of could harm him. And he was right, lime green hair didn't kill him, didn't hurt him in the slightest, but made him angry enough that even Zack was avoiding him.

Tseng stared at him, that familiar expression on his face, the one that was somewhere between pride and confusion. It happened a lot. "I can't tell if you're a genius or if you're an idiot with a death wish." He admitted, shaking his head. Reno snorted.

"I get that a lot."

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	11. Why Ducks?

A/N: Sorry for missing a day guys, I'll see if I can't update twice next week to make up for it. No promises though.

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Prompt: Ducks.

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"You charged what to your expense account?" If Tseng had been a lesser man, if Tseng wasn't so used to Reno's antics, he would have been shouting. Instead, his tone was even and carefully controlled as he spoke to Reno with as much patience and understanding as he could muster. He leaned forward on his desk, one hand cradling his forehead as he stared at the papers before him. If he focused on Reno, he might try to strangle him.

"Oh you know," Reno began, starting to tic items off on his fingers. "An inflatable pool, a trio of ducks, five tubes of glitter, a manipulate materia and three boxes of illegal fireworks." His chair creaked loudly as he leaned back, then started squeaking rhythmically.

Without even looking, Tseng reached with his free hand and pushed Reno's feet off of the corner of his desk. Reno let out an indignant squawk and Tseng peered through his fingers at him just in time to watch him flail about like a drowning man before tipping backwards out of Tseng's line of sight. The thump that followed echoed throughout the floor. Tseng sighed, hiding his eyes again.

"Putting everything else aside for a moment," Tseng began as Reno pulled himself and the chair up off the floor as quietly as he could, which is to say that Rude in the next office over could hear it. "What did you do with your own manipulate materia? The one I handed you with explicit instructions not to lose it?" Tseng's voice dropped on the last few words, spitting them out like he wanted to injure Reno with them. With Reno, nothing was ever truly lost, only appropriated.

"Rude has it." Reno answered as soon as he was situated. Tseng blinked, dropping his hand to stare at him. "He confiscated it because I kept making him punch himself." Reno elaborated with a shrug, as if to say 'what can you do'. Tseng continued to stare because, 1.) that wasn't how it works and 2.) he did what? He wasn't sure which one he should be mad at.

"And the ducks?" Tseng asked after a few moments of silently staring at each other. He could practically feel waves of smugness coming off of Reno, an accomplishment considering he just fell out of his chair not even twenty minutes before.

Reno didn't even take a minute to consider the wisdom in pretending he had no idea what was about to happen; that Tseng probably wouldn't be able to stop because he was interrogating him. "Rude likes ducks." He offered as soon as the words left Tseng's mouth.

Tseng froze as suddenly everything made sense, well as much sense as he could normally make of the things Reno did. It had taken a couple years, but he had finally gotten some idea of how the redhead worked. "Reno, did you..." Tseng started to say slowly, eying Reno as if he expected the redhead to explode into a cloud of glitter and escape. "... set a trap for Rude?" He finished as Rufus stuck his head through the door, a scowl on his face that promised reduced budgets and uncomfortable stake-outs. Reno immediately straightened up, eyes wide and grin conspicuously missing.

"Tseng, did you know there's a kiddie pool and a bunch ducks in your hallway?" Rufus said as casually as he would mention a new piece of furniture in the break room or point out that someone's hair was on fire. Tseng blinked at him, then glanced at Reno, who seemed to be doing his best at pretending to be innocent. Rufus followed his gaze, still scowling.

"Ah." Rufus said, as if that was all he needed to know and perhaps it was. "Carry on then." He stated imperiously, waving a hand in dismissal as he turned around in the doorway and strode off, leaving no explanation as to why he was there. Tseng and Reno stared at the place where he had been standing, exchanging looks of confusion and dismay. Later Tseng would find an updated version of the document known only as 'Rufus's List' hidden in the usual spots.

As soon as he was sure Rufus was out of earshot, Tseng turned to Reno, expression somewhere between incredulous and furious. "Go clean that up. Now. Before..." Tseng started to order but was interrupted by the sound of fireworks going off mixed in with startled quacking. Tseng's face was quickly reacquainted with the palm of his hand as Reno burst into maniacal laughter.

The ducks were unharmed. Rude, on the other hand, was a little bit singed and had glitter where hair would be on a normal person. To top it all off, Rufus went over Tseng's head and approved Reno's expenses.

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